Disclaimer: These quotes are not meant to encourage unhealthy behavior. It's merely a words I relate to, very much. It's about solidarity. If anything, these words make me feel less alone.
Please beware: "heavy" section is about suicide and self-harm. If you're in not good state of mind, do not read.
surviving
about CPTSD, depression and childhood
Intellectualizing emotions
My therapist actually told me I wouldn't find answers to my trauma in books. I can study that, but my spreadsheets and timelines of trauma won't rationalize the pain away.
How does one with CPTSD “relax”?
Hypervigilance. Always being on the lookout for danger. It's a survival adaptation due to being exposed to chronic danger. It's our body and brains way of trying to keep us safe by being ready to react instantly to try to avoid being hurt again.
Desperately wishing you had other parents
I could throw out words like "heart-wrenching", "depressing", "disappointing", etc, but there's no way to really express having spent my entire life even as a tiny child knowing I desperately needed better support to have any chance at a decent life, living in horror aware of it for years... The awareness made it so much more painful.
One of those people who never heal
Survivorship bias or survival bias is the logical error of concentrating on entities that passed a selection process while overlooking those that did not. Focus on regulation and not on healing from trauma. Stability is so so so so important for healing from trauma that it makes more sense to focus on the foundation than it does on the end result.
Trauma expert
I shouldn't have to become a trauma expert for a chance to heal.
lyrics
Nowhere Kid
I don't feel like I belong here
And I never did
I don't belong here
I'm a nowhere kid
Something is wrong here
I never fit in
I don't belong here
I'm a nowhere kid
The Dawn Will Come
Shadows fall
And hope has fled
Steel your heart
The dawn will come
The night is long
And the path is dark
Look to the sky
For one day soon
The dawn will come
Bare your blade
And raise it high
Stand your ground
The dawn will come
One More Light
Who cares if one more light goes out
In the sky of a million stars?
It flickers, flickers
Who cares when someone's time runs out
If a moment is all we are?
Or quicker, quicker
Who cares if one more light goes out?
Well, I do
You Will Be Okay
As the stars start to align
I hope you take it as a sign
That you'll be okay
Everything will be okay
And if the Seven Rings collapse
Although the day could be my last
You will be okay
When I'm gone you'll be okay
And when Creation goes to die
You can find me in the sky
Upon the last day
And you will be okay
For you, "Mother"
Points Of Authority
You love the way I look at you
While taking pleasure in the awful things you put me through
You take away if I give in
My life
My pride is broken
By Myself
How do you think I've lost so much?
I'm so afraid that I'm out of touch
How do you expect I will know what to do
When all I know is what you tell me to?
Don't you (know)
I can't tell you how to make it (go)
No matter what I do, how hard I (try)
I can't seem to convince myself (why)
I'm stuck on the outside
heavy
about suicidal thoughts and self-harm
How to Avoid Validating Suicidal Intent
There are always more choices than brutally forcing someone to stay alive or passively letting them end their lives.
As long as your body is alive
nobody cares as long as your physical body is alive. the only important thing is to force you to live. nobody cares that it's unbearable. you can cry your eyes out, isolate yourself, but the moment you say about suicidal thoughts - it's everybody's business. we are not learnt to accept and acknowledge suffering. instead of empathically seeing the suffering and trying to comfort the person experiencing suffering, we are taught to see them as a problem because they express suffering. suffering is not understood as something to be eliminated and requiring help, but instead it is seen as something to be hidden or forgotten.
Not value anything anymore?
I am only alive in very, very limited circumstances. I used to live for my family and work, and I just... can't seem to care. I feel wooden. My team says I'm sealing myself off as a form of self preservation and that it won't last. But I'm so exhausted. It's hard to imagine being truly alive again.
connections
about anxiety, socialization and internet
Line
I am always walking the line between sharing too much about myself and withdrawing from others completely.