Healing is not fun

2025-03-23

#CPTSD #medical #childhood

trigger warnings: medical (psychiatric) abuse, domestic child abuse, flashbacks

working on trauma is hard, and even harder if you're not ready to move to the next one. yes, i was aware i have many work to do, and if i start to process other traumas then it's a good sign of a progress. it means my mind finally lived through the previous one that i was working on. but it's not a purely positive experience. healing is not fun.

i think i finally started processing other traumatic past experiences that i was unable to do before. not that i'm "cured" from the most fucked-up childhood trauma now — i'm still traumatized. but i feel like i somehow lived through it, rationally and emotionally. especially considering i'm far away from crazy bitch mother, so and i'm relatively safe, at least from her.

some memories of very early events from my childhood are back, from when i was 4-7 years old. and i wasn't ready for it. this is something NEW and even more fucked up. the more "movies" in my head i watch, the more disgusted i am of my mother and everyone who listened to her instead of the child, me.

simultaneously, i started to realize the scale of medical abuse i lived through. it wasn't just a light mistreatment or unprofessional behavior of so-called specialists. it was unethical, humiliating, harmful. intentional abuse of the power they had over a defensless person. i cannot grasp the damage they did to me. it's inhumane.

and, yes, i wasn't ready for remembering, for re-living, for realizing, for feeling it again.