call it a journal

2025-04-02

#anxiety #dissociation #fucked-up

hmmmm i think i understood something about this whole public journaling thing. i've probably just saw too many genuinely good blog posts about important themes, and they were like an articles, even if about personal stuff.

i should slow down and remind myself that writing a blog journal (let's call it this way) doesn't mean i should make statements.

i don't want it to be beautiful and polished. i want to be comfortable with my journal being messy and honest!!! raw, maybe chaotic even. or at least not stripped from my natural way of expressing thoughts. i have my own cursed sense of structure, and i want to embrace it.

strange thing, but when i write at t.page, even if it's a long text, i don't feel the pressure. i don't know why all of these expectations for journaling live in my head. of how it "should be"??? it should be mine, that's all.

it's like with using MS Paint instead of SAI. because MS Paint is about having fun, the end. SAI is about fun and work. and i automatically start to think about work, thus i build up my expectations for the drawing session. ugh.

when i was younger, paper journal was my safe place, free from censoring or polishing. i know public journal isn't the same, and it's normal. but at this point... in my head it has an extreme difference, which isn't helpful at all!

i'm embarrassed, ashamed even. like i'm loosing important parts of myself. constant dissociation makes it way worse, and more scary.

will try to write in paper journal and local (private) diary more. and stop checking other people' texts for some time!!!